How To Have A Twitter

If you’re as obsessed with reading Thought Catalog as I am, then you know how accurate and applicable their posts are to the life and times of a struggling twenty-something. Back in April, I had submitted this essay about “How To Have A Twitter” and got turned down on having it published by the HBIC at Thought Catalog – Ryan O’Connell himself…because he’d already written something like it. Seven months later, I’m still depressed and bitter about it so I present to you, anonymous reader, my unpublished work – may it forever be condemned to a cold and lonely life on my silly little blog. #dramatic

Have enough narcissism to think that people give a shit about what you have to say. Have daily adventures that can easily be described in 140 characters.  Conveniently forget the days when you didn’t summarize your minute-to-minute activities. Believe everything you do is fabulous until something seemingly inane bothers you and it’s irritating enough to become perfect fodder for your daily “angry tweet.”

“Starbucks barista, CAN YOU GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND MAKE MY LATTE CORRECTLY? #annoyed #dayRUINED”

Constantly reread old tweets because you can’t even believe how funny you are and realize it’s because you’re just SO quirky. Think you’re dorky-cut like Zooey Deschanel and think that’s just one of the reasons your followers love you – all thousand of them.  Ignore the fact that half of them are probably rapists, pedophiles, and random people you’ve never met but whatever, the Craigslist ad you made to recruit them worked. Be obsessed that you have a thousand followers, you’re winning this numbers game. #perfect

Know that it’s a numbers game that’s not like the number of guys you’ve slept with, where you can lie through your teeth and say “I’ve only had sex with two guys in my whole life,” or “I’m saving myself for marriage.” Acknowledge that you can lie about your sexcapades (even though everyone knows what you did that night at Kappa Phi in the upstairs bathroom – thank you, mobile uploads), but with Twitter, there is no hiding. Love that Twitter is more complex than that and your followers can be found easily – sitting gloriously in the corner of your profile. Keep telling yourself that “If there were ever a time that the phrase ‘go big or go home’ were applicable, it’d be now.” #bringitbitches

Have Twitter accessible at all times via phone, ITouch, IPad, laptop, or whatever form of technology is currently most popular.  Spend more time composing tweets than actually associating with people. Trips to Urban Outfitters, New York City, kitschy vintage shops, shows, and coffee houses must be documented bi-weekly via Twit-pics. Followers must think you’re hipster, twee, and have no worries (except for those damn baristas) and that life is just as beautiful for you as Kate Hudson’s Penny Lane…minus that whole not-getting-the-rockstar-you-want-and-subsequent-drug-overdose thing.

Smoke a lot of cigarettes and weed while drinking copious amounts of alcohol (PBR – PLEASE) and tell your followers how good you feel. Tweet a lot of trendy quotes about being high and drunk. Tell your followers that you aspire to be the female version of Hunter S. Thompson and make them believe that you’re well on your way. Tweet links to your Tumblr page so people can read your musings on literature. Have your about me simply say “…so it goes.” Only follow back the people who know what that means.

Live an insanely awesome life that none of your followers could even try to keep up with because you’re just so interesting…right?

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